Trying times

recommendations + thoughts galore, enjoy :)

sunrise in saigon

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to write more. I quit my job. I’ve been traveling. I thought the free time and new experiences would undoubtedly give way to endless creativity. I haven’t written a single thing since lmao

So let’s try something new

Faking it till I make it by telling myself that everything is part of the creative process (even resistance to creating and rotting in bed). Instead of forcing myself to make something refined and perfect, I’m just going to share some short (but quite exhaustive when put together) snippets of what I’ve been spending my time on and thinking about in the last 2 months.

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Up first, my favorites !!! (mostly stuff that made me cry)

I am so deeply affected by everything I consume, I want nothing more than for other people to share these heart-wrenching experiences with me

📚 Reads:

1. Severance by Ling Ma

First speed read in a while. Really enjoyed seeing a female version of a Murakami character (apathetic, troublingly routined during chaos, survivalist)

2. Outline by Rachel Cusk

Contemporary but still so dramatical and introspective like the classics. Some of the best writing (technical but also life-lesson-producing) I’ve read

3. Pachinko by Min Jin Lee

Hands down, the best read of the year for me. Anna Karenina levels of greatness. The juiciest and richest story, it felt way too short. A story spanning an entire century with themes that were both overarching and political but also individual and nuanced 

4. Night Sky with Exit Wounds by Ocean Vuong

My first poetry book! It’s hard to feel like I didn’t get 100% from it because I just wanted to read it casually and enjoyably, not so analytically (more important to me to enjoy art and sit with confusion rather than wrangle with content and extract meaning rn). Overall felt a lot of awe mixed with confusion, reading Ocean Vuong is always an ~experience~ though

5. Modern Love- NYT Newsletter

I follow this newsletter religiously. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s whatever, but it’s always diverse and real and hopeful and showcases the enduring nature of love and life. The last 2 weeks have been really good though… if you hit a paywall, hmu I will personally send you a copy!!!

• Why My Father Called Me Son, Daughter, He, She, and It

  “Not long ago, my father introduced me to one of his caregivers like this: “This is my cousin, my nephew, my niece, my — everything.” He wasn’t sure anymore how we were related. More recently, he also told me he loves me “like a brother.” But he recognized me, or at least intuitively knew I was someone he was happy to see — his human “everything bagel.””

• Wanting More Than “Thank You, Next!”

  “The next morning, I started over. I kept going — to bad dates, OK auditions and house parties with cinematic pools. “It,” whatever “it” is, didn’t happen. I went back home to New York, still full of my stupid, beautiful hope.

  There are thousands of Nos, but they say it only takes one Yes. And I am worth a Yes.”

📽 Watched:

1. Dave, season 3 (Hulu)

2. The Bear, season 2 (Hulu)

At first, I was like ok…… why am I watching shows about two lowkey unbearable white men who are being hoisted to the top of their careers by work crews made up of black and brown people. But hear me out, these two shows are truly gold standard television. So funny and hearty but serious and confrontational at the same time. I explain more in the footnotes on why they make a good pair¹

3. Paterson (2016)

A really sweet quiet movie. Basically emotional porn for introverted artist types. I especially loved how all his wife’s dreams and delusions ruined his life but he loved and accepted her and his own life regardless

4. Elemental (2023)

Maybe my new favorite Pixar film ever. I sobbed in public. It felt amazing. I’ve never seen the idea of paradoxical dreams held within the child immigrant experience so well displayed

5. Barbie (2023)

Greta Gerwig continues to outdo herself. I can’t stand it!!!! Captured the essence of the female experience so well, but still held space for real critique and love for men under patriarchy 

🎵 Listened:

Music

Been listening to a lot of Lana Del Rey and The Smiths (also a bit of Japanese Breakfast, FKA Twigs, Cocteau Twins). In a big teenage girl/ theater kid era. Desperately need new music, pls slide thru with recs. I like calming but highly emotive and lyrical soft rock/ alt/ r&b stuff, but I’m desperate to expand but also dive deeper idk!!!

Podcasts

1. Why we should rethink what mental health means (w/ Sandy Allen)- How to Be a Better Human

   Very cool to hear this new perspective/ vision for mental health. Allen talked about writing a story for their uncle who has Schizophrenia and advocating for incorporating people who hear voices into society, seeing their reality as real and valid and just wider than what we perceive it to be. Dealing with mental illness in a holistic way (drinking a glass of water, peeling potatoes for lunch, whatever helps you get through the next hour, etc instead of taking a pill to make you feel happy all the time like a crazy robot)

2. How to Overcome FOMO- NPR Life Kit

   On the topic of holistic mental health, I think NPR Life Kit is actually free therapy for me. 15 minutes of just straight sanity injection.

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A little about what I’ve been thinking about.

Attempts to develop and internalize personal maxims I want to lean on and live by

1. balcony in da nang | 2. plane to kuala lumpur | 3. live process in cameron highlands

1. Lessons from cloudwatching: embracing temporariness as a way to get through life’s unbearable waves of emptiness, loneliness, all the nesses you name it!!

I spent a lot of the past month looking at clouds. It started when I was in Da Nang, Vietnam. Every sunset looked like a scene straight up out of the rapture. Throughout the next couple weeks of traveling through Vietnam, Malaysia, and Singapore, I kept staring at cloudscapes, from beaches and balconies and parks and planes. Then, I had an idea while meditating- visualizing my thoughts floating away as clouds. In essence, thoughts are just like clouds- sometimes beautiful and wispy and bright, sometimes dark and looming and scary, but always temporary. From my experience cloud watching, I realized I could hold them in my sight for longer if I kept fixating. Or I could let my focus drift, allowing the clouds to naturally transform or disappear altogether. Same as with thoughts.

2. Lessons from eating in the dark: Subtracting rather than adding to feel better. The value (even necessity or superiority) of living with less. Going against the natural instinct (or mass psychosis/ trained compulsion) to accumulate.

I’ve been feeling super anxious recently. The other day, I was chilling at a park before my dinner plans. I was just laying down reading and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and wanted to crawl out of my skin. Then I went to dinner, which was a “dining in the dark” experience, where you eat in a pitch-dark room served by waitstaff with visual impairments. It was so scary going into it, but once I relaxed into the darkness, my breathing got easier. I felt like I could hear myself more clearly. I felt calmer and happier. Yes, I know how ridiculous this sounds because I swear only rich people would pay an exorbitant amount of money to be deprived of their senses so they can feel normal. (In my nepo baby era with this one) but tada, that’s when I realized I’ve been caught in a cycle of overstimulation. Thinking another book, another show, another cigarette, another phone call with a friend will make me feel better. The next thing I do will give me the answers I need. When really, all I needed was to sit in a dark room for an hour to breathe normally again.

It’s hard to fight against my strongest natural instincts (female instinct to gather + immigrant compulsion to hoard + capitalistic programming to constantly accumulate). It always feels like a good idea to have more- more friends, experiences, things, information. But this lesson has appeared again and again. Less always feels better, even though it feels less safe and scary in the beginning. Less crowded places, a lighter bag, a smaller wardrobe. It’s not that less is more, it’s just that less is enough. And it’s really hard to know what’s enough when I find myself caught up in the unconscious cycle of accumulation sickness. However, it really is mad how hard this lesson is to internalize and practice. It’s just so paradoxical- when you’re feeling bad and not enough, to go and rid yourself of even more, until you’re faced with your bare existence.

3. Growth doesn’t feel good. It’s uncomfortable and gross (think puberty). So if you feel uncomfortable and gross, hang in there. You’re probably getting somewhere. (me self-soothing)

I recently started working at a cafe in an attempt to integrate into day to day life in Vietnam better. I realized I thrive in place-based situations, making in-person connections driven by physical spaces, identities and relationships informed by connection to land and physical space. It’s crazy how inept I feel. Two weeks in, I have yet to make a successful espresso shot. I mistakenly reported we were out of oranges because the oranges here are green (????), NOT orange. And I can’t understand half the menu or any of our online systems because I have the language competency of a homeschooled middle schooler. Painful for now, but hopefully fruitful.

4. Thinking about the writing process. Reading as writing. Walking as writing. Laying in bed staring at the ceiling as writing.

Abandoning notions of form, just letting things come out as they do and take form on their own.

Frank Bidart, from “Half-light: Collected Poems 1965-2016; ‘Advice to the Players’", published c. 2017. (I sourced from are.na “like a cloud” channel by Jasmine Parsia)

Everything is part of the creative process. Even our next breath

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an orange colored orange (its actually a tangerine sigh)

Thanks for tuning in, I hope you got something from my incessant consumption and thinking. Let me know if you have any content/ ideas that have been sticking with you lately!! Talk soon xoo

Love yours,

Chau

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These latest seasons of Dave and The Bear are stories centered around white men who have achieved the career success of their dreams, but are now struggling to become emotionally functional human beings. What makes these shows truly special is less about the main character, but more about the time and depth they lend to their diverse supporting casts. Both shows use a really progressive and intersectional form of storytelling, following the Euphoria structure of giving every supporting character their own episode. And since the supporting cast is so diverse, they’re able to draw out a complete portrait of so many different kinds of human experiences (gender, race, class represented in different hopes, dreams, fears). This intertwining of storylines creates a really complex emotional world, where all the characters are just so human and lovable by the end. The term “full-bodied” is coming to mind. I even found myself sympathizing with the plight of white men for the first time (very special/ thoughtful/ creative for them to be able to do every character this much justice). The part I found most satisfying though, were the female underdogs- Sydney in The Bear and Emma in Dave. Such a rare depiction of two women of color, headstrong and ambitious but still vulnerable, doing what they need to do to actualize their own career dreams (in very cool male-dominated industries too, not just glitzy rom-com journalist-type beat). Meanwhile these “set up” white men fail to hold onto their successes, only inching slowly towards lonely self-actualization. In the end, no one gets it all, but everyone achieves progress where it matters most. Everyone is given their moment to fall and to shine. In essence, everyone’s humanity is honored.